woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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