I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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