How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
