The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
