Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
