Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
