i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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