Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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