WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
