All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
