dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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