Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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