The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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