Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
