i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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