Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize