Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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