If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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