thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
