my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
