Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
