What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
