I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
