dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
