My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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