I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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