Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
