well you can't waste a boner
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
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Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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