I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
