I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
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I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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