I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
