You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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