i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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