The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
