The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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