She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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