I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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