So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
