saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
