We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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