You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
