Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
