Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
