I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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