I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
