I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
