You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
