cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
