I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
