Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
