Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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