dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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