if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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