Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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