Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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