I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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