I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She bit a glass in half.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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