I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
