Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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