Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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