and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
