just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
